Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dicks are not precious.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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