So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
