How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
