my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
