i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
