My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
