this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
