I think I won the penis lottery.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
