I think my vagina is haunted
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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