I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
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You and the dog were competed for the water dish
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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