At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize