in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
