Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked and annoyed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize