theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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