please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
