He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
