I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
