i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
