Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
