ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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