my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
