toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
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