dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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