I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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