I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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