Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
