If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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