im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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