i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ladies don't puke and tell
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
