??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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