Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
did i just pee glitter
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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