I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
