he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
