i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
