Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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