my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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