I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
