First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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