Soap is not a condiment
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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