i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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