I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
