I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
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i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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