how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thus making me awesome and them whores
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
