You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
