sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
