But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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