all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
