Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Couch. On fire.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
