Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
