How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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