your thong is hanging out like whoa
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Let's get the cat blown out
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
