he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
