That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
