Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
