she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
