so explain again why im purple
no
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
