My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
